Steve Carlberg Brawl

[slackerlord]

CONTINUED FROM TASK 1:

As if to answer Carlberg's question, the door to the locker room slams open with a deafening thud. Todd finally loses his nerve, and jumps into a nearby locker to hide. The smoke clears, and the person responsible for scaring the pants off Grisham is revealed to be The Maxx, looking his usual twisted self. By this point, Ross and Heyman have grabbed their headsets and are commentating on the events.

Jim Ross: It seems that The Maxx seems to have something against The Aggressor!

Paul Heyman: And indeed many of the TWOStars newcomers. Only a few months ago, Maxx challenged Reno Taylor to a match at Hell To Pay, in his first appearance in several years.

Faint mumblings are coming from within one of the lockers.

Todd Grisham: No paycheck is big enough to make this worth it...

The Man In Black advances on Carlberg.

Steve Carlberg: Whoa, what's grinding your gears, man?

Maxx answers with his fists, throwing a well aimed punch at Steve's head, which he swiftly avoids.

Jim: Wow, things are heating up backstage!

The Aggressor stares at the dent left in the locker behind him for a few seconds, before diving out the way of a swift left jab. Carlberg tries to take out The Maxx with a leg sweep, but he, as usual, is one step ahead. Maxx lies the stunned Agressor down on the ground, and then gets him in a hammerlock.

Jim: 'The Hammerlock' falls victim to the hammerlock! Oh, the irony!

Paul Heyman grabs his mobile phone, and dials.

Paul: Hey, we need security, now!

Carlberg, now bleeding badly, looks really angry now. He goes for a uppercut, but Maxx ducks out of the way Steve, looking more and more frustrated by the minute, hits a series of fast punches, but The Maxx just blocks them all. Eventually, Carberg seems to tire, and stops his barrage of failed attacks.

Maxx: This was just a warning, to let you know that you're not welcome here. Go back to England, if you know what's good for you.

The Maxx delivers a stomp to Steve's arm, finally making him pass out, then leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Todd: Jim? Paul? I can't get out! Hello? Help!

Fade out.

[JubsFromTheBlock]

Haha, ya' silly muppet

It was pretty good but a few little niggles...

You had Maxx down pretty nicely and your use of the commentary to bring up recent history was very good.
Once again spelling and grammar seems absolutely fine.

Our commentary team is actually Paul Heyman and Jim Ross now - JR replaced Styles only a few weeks ago. We did it on purpose to confuse you

I don't feel you would use a dropkick in a brawl, you're backstage and going to land on concrete... it just doesn't sound like a worthwhile risk.
My other wee complaint is I feel a piledriver would kill anybody backstage, ESPECIALLY in a little skit. It's just such a ridiculously dangerous move (and probably debatable if you'd use it but I'm letting it slide) that to just stand up wouldn't happen.

For me personally it also doesn't make much sense for Maxx to come and start the attack then for him to be the one to say "are you done?" Especially leaving the guy he came to beat up still on his feet...

It has a lot of very good potential but feels a little bit incomplete almost.

[slackerlord]

Edited. Re-read The Maxx's profile, turns out there ain't a move called the Hammerlock Piledriver. BUT there was a grapple called the hammerlock, which wouldn't, y'know, kill him. The dropkick's been taken out, and The Maxx finishes what he started. Basicly just fixed up the stuff you said about.

[JubsFromTheBlock]

Right... now unfortunately you've caused yourself more problems with the editing - and it's basically problems of consistency.

I'm going to be incredibly picky here but please don't be disheartened by it - you went into the editing just to fix the stuff I was worried about so I can see why you would miss this...

but...

A hammerlock is a hold, and so far Maxx has only connected with a jab yet Carlberg is bleeding badly... that just wouldn't make sense.

Maxx takes Steve down to the ground and locks in a hammerlock... the next thing has Steve using an uppercut. At what point did he get up, how did he escape the hold ?

To be picky, you probably wouldn't duck out of the way of an uppercut as the fist is coming from the 'down' direction.

Carlberg is tired... and then suddenly Maxx connects with a kick to the arm to knock him out.
When did he end up on the ground ?

It's basically just consistency as I said I'm hoping these aren't huge problems.