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Post by darrenas on May 6, 2010 3:05:30 GMT 2
Cut from commercials
Darren Knight appears on the TwoTron backstage, walking down one of the many corridors, carrying a cup of coffee. Walking towards him is Chris Eagles.
DK: Hey man. (Goes to walk past Chris Eagles)
CE: What did you say?
DK: I just said hey.... is that a problem?
CE: Just who the hell do you think you are? More to the point, do you know who the hell I am??
DK: Eh? Look, I just said hi.... whats wrong with that? (DK is getting more and more riled)
CE: Listen up a$$hole.... I'm Christopher Ryan Eagles....Three Times Television Champion... and you are just a PUNK... no, no... worse than that.... an ENGLISH.... PUNK BITCH!
DK throws his coffee in Eagles' face, and starts punching him in the head, landing all around his face, and then shoulder tackles him to the ground.
They start rolling around on the ground brawling. CE gets the upper hand and ends up kneeling astride DK's chest... he drops a couple of forearms to DK's forehead, and the back of DK's head smashes into the ground. A couple of other wrestlers arrive on the scene and drag CE off DK.
CE (Shouts as he is being dragged away) : See... what did I tell ya.... just a PUNK BITCH!!
Camera pans to DK, groaning on the floor holding his head....
Fades out to JR
JR: Now what the hell was all that about King?
JKL: I don't know JR, but I've got a feeling that this ain't the end of it....
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Post by Darkstar on May 6, 2010 10:07:46 GMT 2
Eagles is English (London to start, now based in Doncaster), so I cant see him using that as part of an insult.
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Post by JubsFromTheBlock on May 6, 2010 10:21:04 GMT 2
Okay, nothing too wrong with it at all - my biggest problem to be honest is that there isn't enough brawling.
I would like a little bit more action in there just to see how you write and then it'll be super-duper.
@daaarky - ol' Eagles got himself registered as Canadian back at the turn of the year after he went to Doncaster and everybody booed him - he felt betrayed by 'his people'.
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Post by Darkstar on May 6, 2010 10:22:23 GMT 2
Really? Well hush my mouth.
Yes, I just said hush my mouth. Next up will be 'shut that door' followed by 'he's anybodys for a tin of beans'.
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Post by Megz on May 6, 2010 11:48:54 GMT 2
My biggest issue: Why does a face throw scalding coffee into the heels face?
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Post by JubsFromTheBlock on May 6, 2010 17:30:30 GMT 2
I'd actually probably agree with you - like, maybe if Eagles had realllllly been pushing some serious buttons then it'd be acceptable for a face to do.
But overall, a pretty big overreaction for a face.
I think on first read I justified it to myself, I dunno.
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Post by darrenas on May 6, 2010 23:06:08 GMT 2
OK, so on second reading a rewrite is definitely in order..... will have a look at that over the next day or so... but thanks for the comments!
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Post by Megz on May 7, 2010 12:06:40 GMT 2
Also I think you need to be a little more descriptive of the action going on.
"They start rolling around on the ground brawling. CE gets the upper hand and ends up kneeling astride DK's chest"
this sentence is basically the focus of the entire piece your writing! Needs to be at least one paragraph as we we are of the general expectation that any action is presented to the reader and not left to them to "fill in the gaps" so to speak.
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Post by darrenas on May 8, 2010 0:45:26 GMT 2
Take two....
Cut from commercials
Darren Knight appears on the TwoTron backstage, walking down one of the many corridors. Walking towards him is Chris Eagles.
DK: Hey man. (Goes to walk past Chris Eagles)
CE: (stands in DK's way) What did you say?
DK: I just said hey.... is that a problem?
CE: Just who the hell do you think you are? More to the point, do you know who the hell I am??
DK: Eh? Look, I just said hi.... whats wrong with that? (DK is getting more and more riled)
CE: Listen up a$$hole.... I'm Christopher Ryan Eagles....Three Times Television Champion... and you are just a PUNK... no, no... worse than that.... an ENGLISH.... PUNK BITCH!
DK looks hard at CE, shakes his head and starts to push past him.
As DK gets by, CE spins around and rabbit punches DK in the back of the head.
DK turns and runs at CE and tries to shoulder tackle him to the ground. CE sidesteps and using DK's momentum, throws him into one of the large rubbish skips. DK smashes headfirst into the skip and drops to the ground.
CE kicks DK in the gut three or four times and finally kneels down by DK's head, grabs DK by the hair and is nose to nose with him.
CE: You're a no good piece of $h1t....
CE drops a couple of forearms to DK's forehead, and the back of DK's head smashes into the ground. A couple of other wrestlers arrive on the scene and drag CE off DK.
CE (Shouts as he is being dragged away) : See... what did I tell ya.... just a PUNK BITCH!!
Camera pans to DK, groaning on the floor holding his head....
Fades out to JR
JR: Now what the hell was all that about King?
JKL: I don't know JR, but I've got a feeling that this ain't the end of it....
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Post by Megz on May 8, 2010 12:53:45 GMT 2
You know we had you have the aliases? That so you have different things to write instead of CE and DK and you should not really use CE and DK anyway...
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Post by JubsFromTheBlock on May 8, 2010 19:05:40 GMT 2
I reaaaaaaaaaally don't like the 'action in brackets'. For exampler: CE (shouts as he is being dragged away): blah blah blah. You should write the action as narration separate from the speech: As Chris is being dragged away, he shouts down the corridor at his victim. CE: Blah blah blah blah. EDIT: However, the action was better. Not perfect - but I was happier and can see that with experience you'd improve with everything that you write. If you stick in some nicknames, re-do some of the bracket actions into proper narration then we should be good to go onto the final task  |
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Post by darrenas on May 11, 2010 2:59:00 GMT 2
Hopefully this hits all the right notes now.... thanks for the feedback guys!
Cut from commercials
Darren Knight appears on the TwoTron backstage, walking down one of the many corridors. Walking towards him is Chris Eagles.
DK: Hey man.
Knightmare tries to walk past Eagles, but The Cancer of TWOStars grips Darren's shoulder and spins him around.
CE: What did you say?
DK: I just said hey.... is that a problem?
CE: Just who the hell do you think you are? More to the point, do you know who the hell I am??
DK: Eh? Look, I just said hi.... whats wrong with that?
The Sharp Edge looks like he is getting more and more riled.
CE: Listen up a$$hole.... I'm Christopher Ryan Eagles....Three Times Television Champion... and you are just a PUNK... no, no... worse than that.... an ENGLISH.... PUNK BITCH!
Knight looks hard at Eagles, shakes his head and starts to push past him.
As Darren gets by, the Three Times TV Champion spins around and rabbit punches Knightmare in the back of the head.
Knight turns and runs at Eagles and tries to shoulder tackle him to the ground. The Former MDM sidesteps and using Knight's momentum, throws him into one of the large rubbish skips, smashing him headfirst into the skip, Darren drops to the ground.
The Cancer of TWOstars kicks The Sharp Edge in the gut three or four times and finally kneels down by Knight's head, grabs him by the hair and is nose to nose with him.
CE: You're a no good piece of $h1t....
Eagles drops a couple of forearms to Darren's forehead, and the back of his head smashes into the ground. A couple of other wrestlers arrive on the scene and drag the Three Time Television Champion off Knightmare.
As Chris is being dragged away he screams down the corridor at the incapacitated victim
CE : See... what did I tell ya.... just a PUNK BITCH!!
Camera pans to Darren Knight, groaning on the floor holding his head....
Fades out to JR
JR: Now what the hell was all that about King?
JKL: I don't know JR, but I've got a feeling that this ain't the end of it....
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Post by Megz on May 11, 2010 9:43:37 GMT 2
really good, much better than the previous versions. thats the kind of level of detail you need to go for when describing what's going on.
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Post by JubsFromTheBlock on May 11, 2010 12:10:53 GMT 2
Yeah, I'm very happy with it. Go onto Task3 where you are to have a match with Chris Eagles. The booking is that you pick up the win. You already have Chris' profile so I think that's all - I look forward to seeing it  |
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Post by Megz on May 11, 2010 12:39:09 GMT 2
My best advice to Darren is to read a few of the matches people have written before for the last task and see out comments about them. 90% of all the matches we get contain the same issues so you can help speed things up by looking out for them ahead of time.
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